Sometimes I wish I could push Noah’s pregnancy story out of my brain and move on with life, because it is still so traumatizing to think about. On the other hand, our story forever changed who I am as a person, and I have a boy whom I love so much to stare at everyday regardless of how we got here. I wrote this story to Noah while I was still pregnant, so one day he could realize how much of a miracle he is. I hope you enjoy!
Let me start by saying, we love you so much. An indescribable amount!
You have taken us on a wild ride… one that we will never forget. I hope you can look back at this letter one day and realize how God specifically chose you to be on this Earth – you are a miracle, our dear son.
Your father and I decided we were ready to start a family at the beginning of 2017. We did a pregnancy test together, and it told us that we were not pregnant. I was sad, but I realized that getting pregnant was not an easy task and we could try again the next month.
However, a few days later, something told me I should take another pregnancy test, even though your dad had just left town for the week. I took one, and I saw a very faded plus sign. I was so excited! I immediately ran out to the pharmacy to buy a million more sticks. I peed on about 5 sticks until it hit me: I was pregnant! Oh man, was that one of the best days of my life. However, I was going to have to wait a few days to tell your dad in person, since he was out of town for work. How in the world could I keep it a secret from the world for a few days?
The day I finally was able to tell your dad, I got extremely sick. He came home from the airport, and I was sick in the bathroom. I told him right then and there on the bathroom floor, and he couldn’t even believe it. It was clear that beginning of the rest of our lives was about to begin. The next day, your dad had to take me to the ER since I was so terribly sick, but nothing could take away the joy we felt when we learned we would be having you. We called and told all of our family that same day!
Fast forward a few weeks, and I had my first doctor’s appointment. They confirmed that we were pregnant and ran a few standard tests. I thought nothing of it. However, I was very excited because the results of the test would also tell us your gender. I brought your dad to the appointment where we would find out the results, so we could find out the sex together! We had planned to Skype with the entire family later that evening to be able to tell them as a “gender reveal”. Little did I know that day would change my life forever. I didn’t realize I was already very much your mother at that point, and the news that was to come would destroy me.
The genetic counselor sat your oblivious parents down, and told us the earth-shattering news – they found a high probability of Trisomy 13 in my blood. I had no idea what Trisomy 13 was, but I immediately broke down. How could this be? I had already imagined our future together, and it didn’t involve a sick baby. After a quick Google search, we learned that babies with Trisomy 13 do not even live past their 1st week of life if they even make it that far. I could no longer function as they dragged me from room to room to do more tests. Sitting for hours doing ultrasounds was the last thing I wanted to do, but they had to do more tests. In the middle of the tests, I turned to your father and said “It’s a boy. My boy is sick.” Your dad and I got home where I realized the news had broken both of us. I have never seen your father in such disarray, and I hope to never see him like that again. However, we decided to open the letter that told us your gender anyways… And I was right, you were a boy. I knew it.
The weeks that followed involved many more tests. We finally got the phone call from the genetic counselor that confirmed our worst fears – you had Trisomy 13, you wouldn’t make it, and we should terminate the pregnancy. I can’t describe those moments and I don’t want to – it’s something I never want to remember.
That week, we met with the doctor that would conduct your abortion to discuss the procedure. I went home after that appointment and lost it. It didn’t feel right. I remember looking up and asking God to give me a sign. I needed a sign that terminating the pregnancy was the right thing to do, because something about it felt so wrong. I talked to you and I begged you to understand why we were doing what we were doing. I couldn’t have you suffer, and I also selfishly couldn’t endure carrying you for 9 months in my body just to watch you die. Still, something felt so wrong.
I wrote a goodbye letter to help let me feelings out and try to have something to remember you by…
I picked up your grandmother at the airport about an hour before the termination procedure was supposed to start, and your other grandmother was mid-flight, planning to meet us at the doctor’s office. As I pull up to the terminal, I received a phone call from the genetic counselor that somehow these other results (CVS results) came back completely normal, even though your FISH results came back positive for Trisomy 13, which tests the outer layer of the placenta. I don’t even know my feeling at that moment, because I am not sure there is a word in the dictionary to describe it. I was beyond confused, extremely skeptical, but happy and relieved beyond belief. Could this be the sign that I asked God to give me? My mom walked into the car to find me crying my eyes out. I truly couldn’t understand what was happening. Was I being given hope just to have it ripped away from me again?
I would have to wait and see… So we made all the appropriate appointments for weeks later (since you were still too little to have these invasive tests done) and then the weeks dragged on. I felt like a ghost just walking invisibly through life. There was no “Shushu” inside my body. Just a body who was going through life until I could hear that my boy was ok. The time finally came for the tests. We had to wait almost a month for the results. And man were those results worth the wait…
Every. Single. Result. Came back normal! I couldn’t understand it, but I didn’t care to. My boy was OK – God gave me a miracle, and I would not question the science behind it… Although your dad researched the heck out of everything and could probably explain how you are 1 in 3 million.
Here we are and the road definitely has not been easy – your momma has had a really rough time being pregnant. I faint pretty often, and I am stuck on bedrest. However, I would do it all over again AND AGAIN AND AGAIN just to have you in my life. You are the greatest gift Allah could have given you father and I, and we are so grateful that he made you our miracle.
We love you so much Noah! ”
I think you all know how the rest of the story went… and we thank God every single day for our miracle mash’Allah.
*I want to note that this post is not meant to be a political battleground- just a story of how our own story went and the decisions we made.